Sometimes i do come here to update something, but you know.. i typed... deleted.. typed... deleted and always ended up pressing the X lmao. I tried but my inspiration always came halfway and then just gone. I have a looot of things to say but every time when i feel like writing something like i said earlier, i typed, deleted and close the tabs. Anyways enough for that.
Once in a while i read my old stuff like my tweets and my older posts and god...... please it was cringey as hell literally what goes on inside my early teens 11-13 years old mind im sick 😩😩 like HOW WHY WHAT was i thinking when i wrote that lit rally embarrassing luv ðŸ˜✋
But honestly by reading those i realized how much i have changed, matured now lmao. And also got me realized how much i feel like i lost my old me. The happy me. It all started during my high school days. You know how i never liked being there when i was form 1. Because most of my friends from primary school all splits to other school. I was left alone. But if i gotta be honest my form 1 wasn't that bad. Met a lot of new friends and my current best friend and also the year where i started liking... him. Im never good with socializing to begin with and he helped me a lot with "liking" that place. You can say he was one of the reasons that keep me going there lol. Since we been knew each other since primary school so it was really weird to see me having feelings for him. Like i swear never once in my life expected im gonna like him. At all. I was in denial the whole time until few months later where i was yeah i like him and what about it?
And it went on the whole 5 years me being there. Actually the feelings were kinda mutual but i never told him anyway but i knew he knew and he also knew that i knew that he knew i like him. He was being really transparent about it during f4, f5. Whenever he saw me he would always greet me or ask me if im okay but my shy ass would just nod and smile or sometimes would have a short talk and that's all. Thinking bout it now i wish i could treat you better and im really sorry if i look like i ignored you or hate you or smth like it was just only me being hella awkward around you. I got super nervous and shaking whenever you came to me my head would instantly go to emergency mode all in my mind was "oh god pls i wanna disappear pls get me outta here right now" but i swear im really grateful for your effort.
Im a love loser i know.
Alright enough bout that let's back on track.
But it went downhill every year.
2014 was the worst.
Honestly when i think bout it now i swear i dont really remember anything?? Other than kpop stuff but else... nothing. Like it was wiped out clean for good from my mind 80% of it. The only thing i remember i was the alone in that class since non of my friends in the same class as me. And surviving the whole year was a pain to me. Since it was our 3rd year of course everyone already made friends and got their own group. While me??? I was lowkey outcasted the whole year you can say. Me being shy and having a hard time talking with new people only made it worse. I do talk with few people but i was never close to them to begin with so i silently cried a lot in class. I remember one day we gotta do group work for sivik or seni i guess?? and i was so done with everyone so i just "yea fck people just gonna do alone instead". Oh i was still in contact with my close friends it's just we were in diff class so we didn't met much other than recess time.
The year where it all began and changed me. The quiet me became more quiet and more afraid of people. I told myself i don't really need friends being alone is fine. What's the point of having thousands of friends but all of them backstabbed you right? I stopped thinking bout having friends and surviving was my only goal throughout the whole year and that is enough for me. I keep telling myself "you can survive this". And i did but tbh idk how i did. Since i hate that year with my whole heart and don't wanna remember anything from that year, i guess that's why i don't have any memories bout it?
2015 got better, thankfully.
I was still in the class with some of my prev classmates but this time i actually got someone i can talk to everyday. At first i was afraid if we wouldn't get along since our first conversation were quite awkward lmao but surprisingly we clicked really well. Im really happy and thankful to have you as one of my best friend. My fellow deskmate. Oh and also the year where i started doing something i never expected would tell a lot about my personality. Writing. Gonna tell bout this more in another post.
2016 the bittersweet year.
The most special year in my whole life. If i could turn back time, there i would go. The teachers teaching my class were really fun. And my classmates, and deskmates i love them. Also since it was my senior year, everything suddenly felt so fun. Actually one of my best friend from primary school transferred here so yeah, really adds the fun. Though some bullsh*t happened but i enjoyed 2016 a lot.
I guess that's the price you gotta pay for growing up. Being an adult isn't as fun as you thought. You gotta sacrifice a lot of things, time and sometimes your happiness. You're doing things where sometimes you don't like it but still gotta do it anyway for living. My college life was the worst. But that's another story. I might write a post about it someday. I may hate school but you know sometimes i wish i was still a high school student. I swear nothing can ever beat that, much better than being a college student.
This is probably the longest post i've ever written here. Everything i said today is quite personal to me but idk just feel like writing it here maybe because i feel like will forget these too one day. Cause lately that's what my mind do. Whenever i keep thinking this one particular thing or event, my mind would suddenly confuse it or feel like it never happened when it actually happened. And um i think perhaps im gonna make some changes with my blog but idk when. Well that's all i guess. Im surely gonna write more in another post so bye :)
Thanks for reading. ^_^
